Until The Stars Turn Cold
by Kairaita
Summary: Loke, featuring Gray and Lucy - Celestial spirit Leo chooses death.


_~Until The Stars Turn Cold~_

_Every night I'm talking to the moon, trying to get to you…_

…_In hopes you're on the other side, talking to me too._

* * *

There was Karen, and he hated her as much as any celestial spirit can hate their owner.

But he hadn't wanted her to _die._

* * *

He can't stay.

Leo leaves Blue Pegasus with nothing but Master Bob's well-wishes and Hibiki's cold, accusing stare at his back.

_Fairy Tail,_ Master Bob had said, a dreamily nostalgic expression on his face as he mixed Leo's last drink. _Go there. Macky won't ask questions if you tell him I sent you._

So he goes.

* * *

He stands at the entrance of the colorful building, watching just a little incredulously. It seems… chaotic, to say the least. There is a half-dressed teenager chasing another pink-haired one. There is a scarlet-haired girl in braids and a scantily clad one with white hair growling at each other. There are two older men, one of them smoking, drinking with a much younger girl. This guild lacks the refined air of Blue Pegasus, instead bursting with life and activity no matter where Leo looks.

And maybe that's all the better, because underneath the yelling and the smell of alcohol and debris being tossed around from the brawls, there is an aura of infinitely warm kindness emanating from every inch of the place.

He thinks, this is a good guild to be a part of when he dies.

It's the dark-haired teenager—still a boy, really—wearing nothing but a pair of boxers who notices the newcomer first, and pays for it by toppling to the ground when the armored girl throws the scarf-wearing boy at him.

"Oi, you!" he calls when he's recovered, narrowing his eyes at the stranger in a suit who has simply been watching for a while. "Something you want?"

"Gray," the girl with wavy brown hair lowers her tankard briefly. "Clothes."

"Ack!"

He can't help it. A small chuckle slips out, and Leo pushes his sunglasses up the bridge of his nose. "I've been looking for a guild. And it seems like I've found one."

"A new member?" Gray, apparently, brightens and scrambles up. "Cool. What's your name?"

"Le-" he begins to say reflexively, and stops. He's not Leo anymore; he lost the rights to that name three long months ago.

_Karen_.

He senses her there, feels her touch, her slim fingers running along his jawline and sapping away the little bit of warmth he's gained just from standing at Fairy Tail's entrance. She will never forgive him, he realizes, and she will never let him forget even when he inevitably dissolves into stardust and nothing.

The boy is tapping his foot impatiently. "Well?"

Karen.

At the same time, it is so easy to blame her. She hurt Aries. She was a stubborn fool, to take on missions in her condition. She should have known what he could have done to her, all the ways he could have forced her to relinquish the keys if he hadn't chosen to give her a choice.

And now he's the one left without one.

His lips curve upward in a wry smile.

_Don't worry, Karen. I won't forget._

He's not Leo anymore. He's not anyone's protector anymore. He's not anyone's plaything anymore. He's just the shadow of a fading spirit and a pile of sins cobbled together with only a dead woman's name tying him to this world.

"My name's Loke."

* * *

So now, Loke is Fairy Tail's. The green stamp on his back is just another chain binding him to Karen, yet the shape of the mark is a chain of an entirely different sort that he can't quite put a finger on.

He goes on jobs. He learns about each member, about the strengths they are so proud of and observes the dark clouds that sometimes quietly obscure their hearts. He laughs at and with these humans who are simply brimming with life, more life than they know what to do with, and somewhere, he thinks that under different circumstances, he could be happy here. Imagine that! A celestial spirit living among humans!

It's all an illusion, of course. Every day, his steps feel a little heavier. Every day, the dizziness is more pronounced. He merely exists for the moment that he will literally vanish into thin air, and then a new Leo will be born to take his place among the Twelve Zodiacs. There's nothing to be done for it but wait. He doesn't have a choice.

He doesn't have a choice.

On quiet nights when the skies are clear, sometimes Loke thinks he can hear Aries crying within the rustling of leaves, or her whispered apologies in the running river. Those are the times when he stretches his fingers upwards towards the heavens, tracing the stars in the constellation of the Ram like he could be grasping Aries' hand to tell her everything he never had the chance to, to tell her that it would never, ever be her fault.

And there are the times when Loke stumbles more often than usual, when he shows up at the guild with a face so pale that even the women he entertains on a daily basis notice. The lies slip out so easily to the other guild members even as Karen wraps her pale hands gently around his throat, whispering taunts into his ear.

* * *

_Any day now,_ Loke thinks dully, staring down at his hand. If he squints, he can see the outline of his palm flicker for the briefest of seconds.

He feels sluggish. His head hurts. Everything swims before his eyes. Will he even have the energy to make it to Karen's grave?

He knows he has to be there when he dies. Right in front of the grave, so he can stare into Karen's face as he pays her back. Alone.

A crash startles Loke from his dismal thoughts, and he turns away from the bar counter to see Natsu and Gray at it again, taking their frustrations at not making the cut for S-Class candidate out on each other. His eyes roam around the guild, taking in the sight of each member. He's a former celestial spirit, having lived for centuries longer than any of the people here, yet there's so much he doesn't understand about humans. Loke can glance at someone; he can take one look at Natsu, at Gray, at Erza and Mirajane and Cana and Elfman and Lisanna and everyone and feel the tremendous potential in them. These people… are going places.

It's a bitter realization that he wants to see them grow up.

He wonders if the guild will worry when he disappears. A letter of farewell might be appropriate. Even to someone like him, they've treated him like family, and perhaps he can call them the same. At the very least, they deserve the truth.

…The truth? The truth about what? About how he as good as killed someone with his bare hands? Is that the kind of thing he wants them to remember him as? And nobody in their right mind would want to be associated with a murderer like him.

So it's decided then. He'll go quietly.

"Hey, there you are!"

Loke looks up again, a practiced smile spreading across his face. "What's up, Gray?"

He likes Gray. Well, he likes everyone in the guild, from Cana and her fondness for drinking at such a tender age, to the master, whose wisdom is stunning to even Loke. But he's on particularly good terms with Gray, one of the more down to earth members despite his strange stripping habit and penchant for violence. Fairy Tail had a knack for developing that aspect of a person.

Gray plops into the seat beside him, rubbing at a bruise beginning to swell on his cheek with a scowl. "Nothing. The flame-brain just doesn't know when to quit. Anyway, I thought for sure you were gonna be up there for S-Class!"

The first real surprise Loke's had in a long time. "Me? Really?"

"You're strong, aren't you? Even when you're lazing around with those girls all day and doing gross stuff with them." Gray makes a face. "But you're good in a fight, and I always get the feeling that you're holding back when you aren't serious. Aren't you interested in being S-Class?"

"…Not really. I prefer to devote my valuable time to the ladies, so to speak," Loke says with a wink. It's not entirely a lie, but there's only one lady who occupies his thoughts constantly.

"Eww." The sixteen-year-old ice mage sticks his tongue out, but the look he gives Loke is one that should be far beyond his years as he observes the other man critically. "You know," Gray mumbles, "You always look the same."

"Hm?"

"It's been a year since you joined up, but you don't look like you've changed at all."

"How rude. People don't really change that much in just a year. How old do you take me for, anyway?"

"No, it's not that. It's something else." Loke watches apprehensively as Gray chews on his lower lip in contemplation. He can practically hear the gears turning in the boy's head. "Never mind. Maybe it's just me."

He decides that a change of topic is in order. "What about you? You and Natsu were pretty disappointed when the master didn't choose you two. Although I think Mira would've destroyed the both of you…"

"Yeah right!" Gray scoffs, even as he suppresses a shudder. "Anyway, no use moping about it. I'll just have to wait another year. And it's fine as long as Natsu doesn't get picked before me. I'll jump off a cliff if he does."

There's something about Gray, Loke abruptly realizes. There's something in Gray's eyes that say he hadn't expected to be chosen for the exam in the first place. A sort of resignation. And lurking behind that, something dark, a familiar look Loke has seen somewhere. Where?

…That's right; he sees it every day in his own reflection.

Gray blinks and the look is gone, replaced by his usual bright-eyed expression. And suddenly, he grins. "In other words, you don't have an excuse, right?"

"What?"

"I'm talking about being my partner!" Gray points right at Loke, getting to his feet. "I'll show you that I can qualify for the exam. And I'll make you watch when I win."

"Next year's, huh? You're being rather hasty about it."

"Nothing wrong with that."

How can they be so similar, and yet so different?

"But me? Are you sure you want me as a partner?"

"It's fine, isn't it?" Gray shrugs. "I don't have a problem with it, so you shouldn't either. You'll still be around next year, won't you? In Fairy Tail, I mean."

"…Of course."

No, he's wrong. Gray has something much more than Loke does. Something that refuses to break, or even bend, when a person like himself has already submitted to the weight.

"W-e-ll, to be honest, I don't know if I should promise such a thing."

"Hah?! What, you think I'm not good enough?!"

"I'd be a little more inclined to agree if you were a pretty girl. Maybe."

"What's with that 'maybe'?! Man, to think that you'd choose some girl over your friends…"

"It can't be helped, after all! That's just who I am. But if nothing happens, I suppose I wouldn't mind being your partner."

_If nothing happens…_

"So it's a promise, right? I'm counting on you."

"Yeah, it's a promise."

_I'm sorry, Gray._

How troublesome. He won't be able to slip away in peace after all.

* * *

He wants to live.

Someone needs him.

Karen can wait a little longer, can't she?

* * *

Almost impossibly, a year passes. And then another.

The guild grows up. Gray is older. Natsu is older. Erza and Mirajane and Elfman and Cana and everyone else are older, more powerful, and the guild shakes to its foundations with their fights. Lisanna is a painful, faraway memory to all of them.

Loke is the same. Maybe a little less substantial than before.

But life goes on, day after day. And if it's like this, Loke thinks he can keep going, just a little longer. He's gone and foolishly made another promise, and he'll be damned if he breaks this one too.

He thinks about Aries and wonders where she is when she's not watching from the sky, how she's doing. Karen can't hurt her anymore, but Loke is sure that Aries cried for their owner, because shy little Aries is kind, almost too kind for her own good. And he must be the lowest of scum because surely he's made Aries cry too, in the situation he's in now. He wants to tell her to smile when it's his time; he hasn't seen that expression on her in so long.

When it's his time…

Time…

Karen's icy lips press against the back of his hand again, and Loke knows that time is running out.

If he's already damned anyway, his broken promise to Gray will simply be the cherry on top.

_Karen._

There is only the waiting, now.

* * *

But the arrival of Lucy Heartfilia changes everything.

* * *

Natsu brings a new girl to Fairy Tail.

To Loke's first glance, she's just another cute member. Just his type, really. The ribbon in her hair bounces when she walks, her boots click sharply with every step she takes, and her skirt twirls with her as she turns to talk to Natsu. Her smile is a little painful to look at though; it's bright and dazzling and bursting with life like Aries once was. She'll fit in just fine at the guild.

She takes another half-step, turns again with a gentle jangle of metal against metal, and Loke feels his heart drop straight into his stomach when he spies the ring of keys at her hip. Every familiar symbol on the bows of every key jumps out at him as clear as day.

Lucy is a celestial spirit mage.

Suddenly there is Karen again, standing where Lucy stands and saying what Lucy says. She lifts her head, emerald green tresses falling over her eye in waves and the corners of her mouth curling up in that cruel smirk that haunts him even now.

He runs.

* * *

But running isn't so easy anymore, not when he has Fairy Tail for a family.

It's unfair, completely unfair of him to see Karen in Lucy when at last he learns about her. Learns about her lofty, lonely origins, and realizes that Lucy is as far from Karen as Loke is from the sky. Lucy is sweet where Karen was seductive, kind like Aries but with a spine of steel to match and a glowing personality that is all her own.

Lucy, Lucy, Lucy.

Lucy, who is so sweet, so kind, who lights the sky with diamonds when she finds him at Karen's grave, begging him not to let go. Lucy, who shouts the Celestial Spirit King himself down from the stars to give him a good verbal thrashing in the way only she can. Lucy, who cries for the fate of a celestial spirit just because they're friends, when all Loke has ever done is run. Run from her, from the guild, from his family, and from himself.

Lucy, who pulls away the curtains that Karen had lowered over his eyes and blinded him to the choices he could have, _should have_ made rather than accept death. The choices that are so much harder and so much more rewarding; he's been taking the easy way out all this time.

The choice is clear.

* * *

And now—

There is Lucy, and he loves her. He loves her as much as any celestial spirit can love their owner.

No, not owner.

He loves her as much as anyone can love their friend. A love that transcends the stars, as cliché as it is, and above all else, it's the truest thing Loke has ever known.

This final choice that she's given him: to become her spirit. Three long years spent and wasted on a choice he thought had only one road, believing that he could never believe in another celestial spirit mage, not like this, and to make such a decision now. It should have been difficult.

But it was easy.

* * *

**A/N:** Another story for OrbitingArbiter's Fairy Tail Novice Writing Challenges! Check it out if you're feeling up to writing to prompts.

I tried a bit of a different style this time, but I'm not sure if I like it or not. Getting to write about Loke was pretty fun though. The prompt was "angst" and I was actually going to write about Gray originally, but changed my mind at the last moment. You can still see where Gray managed to sneak his way into quite a lot of this story though, aha… On that note, some parts were also based off some Fairy Tail comics from pixiv about Gray and Loke. You can see them by going to shinytranslations on tumblr.

There's a reference to something in the summary, as well as a reference to something else entirely within the story, so good job if you noticed those!


End file.
